Liar, Liar, Fat Pants on Fire

Confession Time.  I haven't been adjusting my weight ticker because I have GAINING weight, not losing.  Why is it so easy to pack on the pounds?  I love to eat.  I hate to exercise.  I guess that lays things out pretty plainly.  I've also "lied" in a sense because I put what I need to lose, but not how much I weigh.  Oh, the thought of it is mortifying, though I'm not sure why, as anyone who knows me can see that I'm clearly not supermodel skinny...or even plus size model-shaped.  Blah.

Two things have contributed harshly to my decision to fess up today and start anew...again.  I think I start anew at least once a week.  So pathetic.  Anyway, here are my reasons:  #1: Last night I was at Big Lots looking for a rug for my daughter's room.  A husband and wife were shopping close by, and she was prattling about her weight because he wanted to go grab dinner somewhere.  He looked directly at me, then "whispered" in a way that was not at all quiet, "Honey, you're the thinnest one in this store; I don't know what you're worried about."  OUCH.  So what did I do?  Decide to go home and jog?  No.  Grab a weight loss DVD on the way out?  Nope.  Call my husband and cancel our plans for pizza?  Wrong again.  I grabbed a jumbo box of nutty bars and slithered out.  Of course, when I got home and shared the story with my husband, I didn't come to my senses.  Instead I proceeded to devour 3 packs of the chocolatey/peanut buttery goodness.
 
Now, reason #2: My dear cousin Samantha, who I fondly call Sosa, has also gained some weight recently.  I mentioned her in a previous post; she was visiting and I was using her as an excuse to sabotage my diet.  I shared the story about how once upon a time we had lost a lot of weight together.  Here we are in 2006, about 3 months after I had my son. 

Both of us weighed about 130 pounds here and shared size 6 jeans.  We even wore bikinis that summer.  Together we monitored our diets and exercised like crazy together.  It was even FUN.  But then my husband returned from Korea and I moved away, and I started gaining weight again.  Sosa held onto her figure until very recently, but I've been battling the bulge for years now.  Here's a pic of Sosa and I taken just this past weekend.

Since the 2006 picture, Sosa has gained about 40 pounds and I have gained *gulp* 73 pounds.  73 pounds!!!  That's an entire anorexic person!!!  I always felt bad for those who were overweight.  I never made fun or thought them less of a person.  But I feel that way about myself.  Like I am handicapped in some way because I am overweight.  Like I am disgusting because I carry around extra pounds. 

So the journey begins....again.  Sosa and I have decided to return to our days of friendly competition and be the girls we want to be.  Sosa is joining a Biggest Loser program at her local YMCA.  My Y doesn't have the program, but I will be using the Biggest Loser Workout DVDs starting TODAY.  Also, I'm tracking what I eat on weightwatchers.com.  Each day I plan to report on myself from the day before.  Did I exercise?  Did I drink enough water?  Did I stay within my points?  This creates obvious accountability for myself.
Each Thursday Sosa and I will reveal our weight loss for the week.  I am starting at.... (oh this is painful!)....203.4 pounds. 
So here we go!!

My Inspiration *cue cheezy song*

My very good friend Jess began her blog about a year and a half ago Pudget.  When I met her, she was part way through her weight loss journey and had the most amazing attitude - she still does have that amazing attitude!  What she doesn't have is the additional 50 pounds she started out with.  She lost 50 pounds by blogging, eating healthy, exercising, and getting back on the horse each time she jumped off for chocolate or cake.  I'm so proud to have her as one of my best friends; can I be cool just by association?
Because of Jessica's famous blog, Pudget (losing weight on a budget), Jess has become something of a weight-loss icon.  She's been featured in Woman's World Magazine, been on the front page of the local gazette, and receives MULTITUDES of freebies to try out and share with her readers - which she does honestly (isn't she cool?).
Currently Jess has two contests going on on her blog, which you have to check out.  I've entered both :)  The first is for a gift certificate to an adorable child's clothing store here in town.  The store is called  Lil Kid's Stuff.  You have to check this store out; it is so adorable!  Skip on over to Jess' blog and see how you can win a $25 gift certificate!
The second giveaway currently going on at jess' site is from Sew Creative by Sara.  This stuff is so adorable!  I want one of her aprons so badly and I can't even cook!  The coolest thing on her website (and the thing that Jess is giving away) are headbands that are designed to absorb sweat as you exercise!  How clever!!!  Since my hubby and I are starting P90x on Thursday (more to come on that in a latter post), I need one of these headbands!!
Be sure to skip on over to Jess' site so you can enter these amazing contests!  Jess has just started a new bootcamp program (I know, I know, she's my hero too) and is giving something away each day of her first week of bootcamp.  So go!!!  Enter!!!!  Win!!!  :)
All winning and cool stuff aside, Jessica really is awesome, and I hope you'll find some inspiration from her like I have.  Now if I can just put it into practice...

Hi Self Discipline...it's me, Sabrina

I grew up under the thumb of discipline.  I had very strict rules and, for the most part, I always followed them for fear of the consequences.  Phone calls had to be 15 minutes or less and had to occur before 9pm, I was seldom allowed out with my friends, I could only watch tv for 1 hour a day, I had to be in my room by 10pm each night, I could only eat in the kitchen, I had to do a detailed bible study every morning, I couldn't watch tv or talk on the phone when I was home by myself, etc etc.  You get the idea. 
So when I left home at 18 and married my husband, it was a free for all.  It's not that I did anything awful - I wasn't that type of girl.  But I "rebelled" in little ways.  I stayed up all night and slept all day, I ate when and where I wanted, the TV was always on, and the phone was often on my ear.  I knew all about discipline, but never got to the part about SELF discipline.
Now this is the part where I tell you about my amazing transformation and how I learned to be more self disciplined.  Except that it never happened!  I'm terrible with money, worse with food!  I still love to stay up all night and then regret it in the morning because I can't sleep all day.  I don't stick with hardly anything that I ever start.  So what's the key?  How do I just MAKE myself decide to be disciplined?  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with just making that decision, but that decision seems very reasonable when I have a brownie staring me in the face at 1 in the morning, or I REALLY don't want to do my school work now and save it til last minute on Sunday night.
Anyone with me?  Anyone who used to be like me and found that change?

And Everlasting Joy Shall Be Upon Their Heads!

I'm getting really anxious about where God is going to send us next.  We are a military family - my husband is active duty Army.  For the last two years we have been situated nicely in Central Pa while he is in recruiting duty; we are close to family, we have a wonderful church family, we have made friends, we love our home and the area.  We are down to the year mark of having to leave and move to our next duty station.  Part of me -  a lot of me, even - is really excited about the new adventure.  I like moving, I like going to new areas and meeting new people; I bore easily.  However, another large part of me is scared and anxious and worried.  Where will we end up?  Will we find a house we can be comfortable in? Will we be far from family? Will the kids adjust? Will we find a good church that we can be a part of? Will I be lonely for long before making new friends? Will Daniel deploy???  That last one really scares me.  We've been so fortunate to avoid a deployment to Iraq and Afghanistan; the unknown is very scary.
I was mulling over all of this this morning when I began my Bible study.  Daniel had called and excitedly talked about a few of our options, and it got the worry ball rolling.  God is faithful, and reminded me of this: regardless of what the future holds, there will be joy.  Will their be sadness too?  Yes, most likely.  But there will be JOY.  I can either choose to dwell on the worry and fear or I can choose the joy.  Today I choose joy.  Will ya'll remind me of that about a year from now?  I may not be feeling so brave then...
I'm doing well keeping on top of my chores this week, even with my cousin Samantha and her boyfriend Tommy visiting.  The diet thing...oh boy.  Once upon a time Samantha (who I fondly call Sosa) and I lost a lot of weight together.  I had just had my son, Julian, and my husband was in Korea.  Sosa and I exercised daily, ate healthy, and had a friendly little competition, at the end of which we were both slimmed down to our little size 5's.  Although we can do a lot of good together, we can also cause one another a lot of harm!!  Last night, between us, we consumed spicy chicken wings, peanut m&ms, snickers bars, reese's icecream, circus peanuts, and cheese doodles....all after our dinner of spaghetti and meatballs.  She leaves tomorrow; I'm not sure my waist line can survive until then!  I'm about to fix us a healthy lunch of chicken salad on bagel thins with weight watchers cheddar cheese.  One step at a time, eh?

Puddle Plodder or Puddle Jumper?

This morning I implemented my devotional time.  I am using the Women of Faith book "Contagious Joy".  One of the first pages of this morning's reading presented this question: "Are you a Puddle Plodder or a Puddle Jumper"?  In other words, when the storms of life are raining down around me, do I plod through with a bad attitude, or jump in the puddles and choose joy despite being wet with rain and troubles?  I know my answer: I'm definitely a plodder.  If there is any sort of way to complain, I'm going to do it!  So today is where the change begins.  I'm going to strive to be a puddle jumper!  Despite what may be happening around me, I'm going to do my best to choose joy. I have to be honest:  I'm afraid of this admission and goal.  Will God test me through this?  What will I have to endure to learn to be joyful?  It's an incredibly terrifying test, and I soon could be eating my words.  Psalm 30:5 states "weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning".  I think this means that our pain and suffering is temporary.  I've often heard the joke of people quoting from scripture "And it came to pass".  They use it as a promise that whatever strife we're going through, it too will pass.  So here we go! We're jumping in!!
I only lost 8 ounces for my first week of weight loss.  BUT I didn't exercise, I didn't drink enough water, and my eating was less than great.  So I KNOW I can do better this week.  I'm going to dedicate myself to at least 8 glasses of water today, going to plan out my week of meals so I'm not tempted to order out, and going to at least go for a brisk walk today (I'm recovering from a nasty cold).
Anyone else on a new journey? Weight loss or organization?  Spiritual or physical?  Ready to jump with me?

Harrison Ford is probably never late...

Before I had kids, the thought of being late to something gave me anxiety.  I was always on time, often obnoxiously early.  I refused to walk in with an excuse as to why I couldn't be on time; I found those that "chose" not to arrive early were disrespectful.  Notice I said BEFORE I had kids; unfortunately, that statement creates an "after".  And my after aint so pretty.
I am always late.  It all started with that first way-layed period over four years ago; from that moment on, I was destined to be late in everything I did.  Late getting up, late going to bed, late arriving at church, late getting dinner on the table, late for a meeting, late with bills, late, late late!  So last night when my pregnant, very sick friend asked me to go over and spend today with her, I vowed that I wouldn't be late.  In fact, I would be amazing.  I decided to make her a few meals to freeze, take lunch over for her and the kids, and be so on time it was scary!  I was to be there at 11, and had my alarm set for 8:20; clearly there was no way I was going to screw this up!
I got to her house at 12:08.  Heavens, how do I do this??  And did you ever notice that what you're running late everything that can go wrong will?  I had to check two grocery stores for something I needed on the way there.  When the first didn't have it, I decided I would just take my shopping list to the second and do all my shopping there.  I'm not as familiar with this grocery store, so of course I passed the entrance because I never have a need to turn that way!  Then, I wandered around the grocery store like a lost puppy, reading the signs above the aisles like a tourist in a big city.  After several loops, I finally gathered everything that I needed.  And wouldn't you know that I picked the cashier who just thinks children are adorable and wants to have a full conversation with them.  Have you ever tried to have a full conversation with a 2 and 4 year old?  It was not short lived.  It was almost painful.  And then (and I couldn't make this up; it's just too weird), the cashier asked me, "Can I survey you?"
"For the store?" I asked, confused.
"No, myself."
I thought she was being sarcastic.  "Uh..."
"I wondered what your favorite Harrison Ford movie is? I'm taking a poll."  She proudly held up two sheets of paper.
Is she kidding me?  I have two screaming kids trying to climb out of the cart while they are eating my grapes.  I'm late, I'm cranky, and I have three dishes of shepherds pie in the car that are grower colder by the minute. 
"Uh..."
"Do you want me to read you the list I have so far?  Indiana Jones, Air Force One - "
Crap, I didn't interrupt fast enough.  She droned on.
"-What Lies Beneath, Sabrina-"
"Yep, that one," I interjected.
"Sabrina?"
"Yep."
"Ok, why?"
"Because that's my name."
"Sabrina? Really? I haven't heard that name a lot."
I offered a half smile, hoping this was the encouragement she needed to hand me the receipt that she held ransom in her hand.
"So you chose the movie as a favorite just because it's your name?"
Did she sound ridiculing?  Is she seriously judging my movie choice in the middle of the grocery store? "And because I like the movie," I defended, then wondered why I cared. 
"Harrison Ford did the remake, did you know that?" she asked proudly, then rushed on before I could answer.  "Who was the actress in the original?  She's really popular..."
"Audrey Hepburn," I muttered.
"Yeah! Did you ever see that version?"
"Nope."
Just then Hazel let out a wail to beat them all; I had never been so grateful for her awful behavior in the grocery store.
"They're hungry for lunch." I made it sound apologetic, but in truth I was using it as a hint.
The cashier either got the hint or noticed that the older woman behind me was looking like a Harrison Ford fan.  She finally handed over my receipt, and I was free.  The construction zone I hit and downpouring rain I passed through was nothing compared to my chatty cashier.  And yet, I was an hour late.  I can't blame it all on her.  I was a good half hour behind when I walked into the grocery store.  But she certainly didn't help!
Anyone have any tips to share on getting out the door on time with little ones?  Anyone want to share their fave Harrison Ford movie?...I'm kidding...please don't.

Please don't weed-eater me...

Some people will tell you that the unexpectedness of life scares them; I think not knowing what's around the corner helps me get up in the morning! I woke up this morning to Laken, our 4 month old lab, barking in her kennel, ready to be let out for the day.  I was pleased with her timing; It was just after nine, and for once, I would get to wake my daughter, Hazel, instead of her waking me.  I climbed from bed feeling ready to take on the day.  Already lists were forming in my head as I led Hazel downstairs and greeted my 4 year old, Julian, who was scouring the kitchen for breakfast.  After feeding the kids and eating a fiber bar myself, I sat down at the laptop to begin organizing my life.  I started with my school work, and then I moved on to creating a plan for keeping the house in order.  Here is what I came up with:

Monday: Tidy the Bedrooms, clean the bathrooms, and pay bills

Tuesday: Sweep and mop my floors, clean the windows and sills, fold laundry

Wednesday: Tidy the yard and porches, clean up the cars, fold laundry

Thursday: Catch up on phone calls and belated emails, fold laundry

Friday: Vacuum floors, dust house, tidy bedrooms

Gosh, I felt liberated!  It's so easy! My simple little list for keeping things in order.  Somewhere I would need to squeeze in school work each week, but I decided I would create that plan when my new classes start next week.  I was on cloud 9; why hadn't I done this sooner??  How hard can order and precision be??
And then it happened.  The smoothness of my day started to crumple up around the edges.  My classes for next semester aren't showing up on my schedule, my kids are miserable and fighting, and the Army Family Event scheduled for this Friday is a mess of confusion.  The latest was the one that really had me nerved up.  I felt that I wasn't in control of the situation, felt like I could have handled it better, felt like people were going to be mad at me for something I had nothing to do with.  I was pissed.  In the midst of making phone calls, conducting chat sessions, and  scripting emails to try to resolve what I somehow thought was my business, my house turned into a potty.  Hazel peed twice on the floor, pooped on the couch, and then peed and spilled her milk on that same couch; Laken peed once on the kitchen floor just for good measure.  Hazel did decide to randomly pee twice in the potty, for which I was very grateful, but it somehow seemed dimmed by the fact that my house smelled like poopy urine.
Finally, everything began to come together and I silently ridiculed myself for being so dramatic (I have a bit of a flare for the dramatic...not by choice).  I put Hazel to bed and decided to take out my aggression on the back yard, which desperately needed mowed; I somehow managed to break the strings on both lawn mowers and only mow a very small patch.  Heaven sakes.
My wonderful husband, Daniel, arrived home about that time to take over.  As he was readying to go outside to finish (and practically start) my task, my son jokingly called out, "Please don't weed-eater me!"  I felt like the day already had...
It wasn't that the events of the day were all that awful.  Instead of handling the few strangling weeds with grace and patience, I allowed them to turn me into something akin to a venus fly trap; I was ready to devour in ugliness and anger anything that got too close.
Once again, it was my son's little words that brought me back down.  He randomly said (as is his nature), "what was your favorite thing at miss amy's last night?"  You should first understand that everything to Julian is "last night" (the bible study was actually Sunday night), and on the night in question Julian was a little tyrant.  I think this question was his way of making certain that the quibbles of that night were long forgotten.  When he asked about the bible study my mind didn't go to my battle with him that night, but thankfully went to the lesson of that night.  A particular point stuck out in my mind like a rose among the weeds - "Am I conversing with God all throughout the day?"  If only there had been a hole big enough for me to crawl into!  What if I had conversed with God through my frustrations of the day?  What if I had settled in His patience and mirrored it myself?  What if I had comforted myself in His peace instead of lashing out in anger?  I can promise I would have been a better witness.  I can assure that I would have gotten a lot more accomplished.  I can guarantee the day would have seemed a lot less dramatic.
I would like to go back and start the day over, doing it right this time.  Instead I'll allow it to strengthen me and not let myself be "weed-eatered" tomorrow.

Day 1: Ready, Set, CHAOS

In all reasonable sense, my life should not be that complicated.  I live in a rural town, have two kids and a wonderful husband, stay home with my children each day, and live in a nice, quiet neighborhood overlooking the river.  Serene.  Calm.  Majestic.  ...Yeah, not so much.  Perhaps it's my less-than-organized nature that makes things so hectic, or perhaps it is that nature plus life in general.
Although we have two amazing kids that I daily stay home with in our lovely little neighborhood, there are a few other factors that add to the bedlam.  We have a 5 year old dog, Lipshitz, who thinks she's one of the kids.  I attend a full course load online to finish up my degree in secondary education.  I am co leader of our Army Company's Family Readiness Group and just recently took on a co leadership position for our children's church program.  And just to be sure that I keep things exciting, we got a new puppy yesterday; Laken is a 4 month old black lab who is ready to take on the world!
For an organized, driven individual, this list of tasks and responsibilities is probably rather drab and easily manageable.  However, organization and Sabrina are a complete oxymoron.  That's where this blog comes in.  I am hoping it will bring a little organization and discipline to my life.  I have 3 goals that I am hoping to work toward with the start of this blog.
#1 - A regular devotional time with God.  It has been a long time since I committed myself to spending daily time with my Savior, and I plan to hold myself accountable here.
#2 - A better sense of what's going on around me: Bills paid on time, laundry put away, kids on a regular schedule, the house less than chaotic.
#3 - Get my big booty back in shape.  I have gained 75 pounds since my wedding day nearly 6 years ago.  I give myself excuse after excuse as I grow faster than a chia pet.  It's time to make a change.  My goal is to lose at least 1 pound a week.  It's a very slow goal, but I think that's the only way I'm going to reach success.
In coming blogs I will better lay out my plan for success for each of these goals.  I am looking forward to getting started on balancing my bedlam!
~Sabrina